Leap of Faith

For a little over six weeks I've been living my new reality with cancer. It no longer seems new to me and in fact I have fallen into my daily and weekly routine of radiation and cheomtherapy. Today Mr. Robinson said "I warmed up the room for you" actually acknowledging me for the first time as the next beneficiary of the latest and greatest in laser guided radiation therapy which is more exacting in its excision of cancer cells as any scalple wielded by the most skilled surgeon. I was so emboldened by this exchange that I actually asked Lady Lovely Scarf if I would be seeing her later today at chemo which led to a friendly exchange that was very nice indeed, since she typically ignores me. LLS has now completed her radiation and is hoping she could have her chemo today since her numbers were so poor for the last two weeks she could not have treatment. I did not see her at chemo later today, but it may have been because there are some problems with my port which took lots of poking about and flushing and other stuff, which means a trip to Interventional Radiology at 07:00 am for a CLOT BUSTER. Crap - are we having fun yet, and I will spare you the details of my meeting with my nurse at radiology today which left my dear friend Kaye laughing her a__ off at my expense. I'm just glad someone is having fun.

Now for that Leap of Faith. I said earlier that the first thing you lose when you are diagnosed with cancer is your dignity, that is not really true. The first casulaity is your dreams. It is as if there is a blank grey wall in front of you and everything you wanted is somewhere on the other side soundly out of your reach. I would try to imagine myself healthly and happy traveling with my husband, spending time with my children and these images would simply dissolve like paint that failed to stick to that horrible grey wall. It was really troubling because I deeply believe in the power of positive images in healing and moving forward. For many days I could not get past this and felt powerless that even with positive resolution, my deeply cherished ability to imagine happiness for myself and my loved ones was permanently damaged.

Now one of my Christmas gifts from my husband is a spiffy new generation flat screen television for use in our sitting room that he was painting and helping me decorate as a office/craft room for me. We had really just started this project when I was diagnosed. I just stopped caring about it, actually I felt like it might be a wasted effort as it might not be used very much for the most morbid of reasons. Gradually, as we moved through the cancer process and my prognosis was consistently positive with each new encounter and result, I started to try to think in terms of future - past the grey wall. After all, I've knocked down walls before, and you can put a big hole in a wall with a little hammer. A fist can also be very effective - but I think it is best to use the hammer - much better for your hand. So one day I marched into Kaye's office and announced that while I was supposed to be working I was actually shopping on the internet and had purchased a beautiful desk for my new office. The grey wall had a large gaping hole in it and I could see the other side and it is beautiful. Kaye was thrilled because it was the first time in weeks I was me again. Retail therapy is as effective as anything ever invented by any scientist.

I have to tell you my little room is almost done and very usable as is. I spend many hours reading in here on a small couch I have had since before my first child was born. Soon it will be slipcovered and spiffed up with some pillows so it is as lovely as the rest of the room. My dear friend Kathy has ordered curtains that will be perfect, and the little desk supports my laptop and overlooks our back yard with lots of trees. On sunny days it is just bliss and so peaceful, the perfect place to plan and dream which I can now do without the worry of hitting the ugly grey walls. The television is used just for watching anything and everything but it does so much more. This little device apparently allows you to surf the internet and I don't know what, but I am waiting for our Charles to come back from Afghanistan and show me how to use it - and he will do that soon.

As for the dreams, Roy just booked a trip to England for the early fall. We will go to Cornwall and find my relatives. Our family legend links us to Sir Richard Grenville, a true rogue who was immortalized in Dauphne DeMauier's novel "The King's General". I have other dreams, too. We will build a huge patio out back, something really wonderful and large. We plan to have lots of parties and gather our loved ones around and just celebrate them. We will celebrate our family and our family of friends. I just keep imagining long tables covered with white clothes, big jars of sunflowers on every table, and lots and lots of food with sangria loaded with beautiful fruit. Taylor and I will hang lanterns from the trees and we will dare the mosquitos to violate our night. But the lightning bugs are welcome and of course so are you.

Let the battle commence

Well it has begun, one treatment of cisplatin and two radiation treatments.  I was not prepared for the total wipe out of my system.  So far I have not experience the nausea associated with cisplatin but I have developed terrible ringing in my ears, which apparently is a common side effect which has been linked to permanent hearing damage.  And the fatigue, today I took a nippy-nap on my aero-bed at my office and slept for over two hours, I swear I thought it was only 30 minutes.  It is very hard to concentrate and focus but I am forcing myself to read a Anne Rice novel which I really have to bear down on and try to recheck and retrace everything I do at work.  Everything is a fight just to maintain a normal me.  I've continued to swim at the YMCA at 7 am which is a huge pleasure, though if the radiation therapy causes skin breakdown I will of course have to stop, so until I can't - I will. 

Darling daughter is coming home late tonight after seeing her beloved boyfriend Charles off to Afghanistan.  This morning we heard of the shooting at the Frankfurt, Germany airport and all I could think about was Charles on that bus as his group was making a morning connection there.  We we lucky and it was not our Charles.  It is good and sad to have to worry about someone else.  We all love him very much and pray for his safe return to Taylor and his parents and his adoptive family here in Fredericksburg, Va.  Please say your prayers for him and his men, he is gentleman and a Marine and he makes us all very proud.